your least favorite.

20140115

What I am made of.



I am made of the times you said you would call but you did not. I am made up of all the times you throw your temper on me. I am made of all the times you hung up on me when I have so much to say. I am made up of all the times you just let me go when I cried. I am made up of all the times you chose everyone else over me. I am made up of all the times you lied to me. I am made up of all the times you went to sleep while I was hurting on my own. I am made up of all the times you brought another her into my life. I am made up of all the times you told me you miss me but never showed up in front of me. I am made up of all the times you said you loved me but I felt none. I am half made from everything that you said and did to me. 

It's true enough that past is something that you need to left behind. But who I am today are mostly made up of all the things I felt in the past. And though how much I wanted to forget my past, you keep reminding me of all the things I shouldn't be thinking of.

I believe that something that hurts should be treated with love, patience and tenderness. 

But tell me how if all you could give me is your cold shoulder.

20140106

Denial.

So my brother decided that he would enter the boarding school in Shah Alam. Art school to be exact. And there's just something bothering me ever since he told us that he's going.

At first I don't want him to leave because he's still young and he would not want to spend his time so early away from home because this is the only time he had left to be at home before he enters college in the future. I'd die to be on his spot. I'd die to turn back time and appreciate my time at home. It's just too early you know, to leave home and be responsible for yourself when you can grow up at your home, with your parents and your siblings and your cats.

Second, I don't want my parents to be sad. Or lonely. Of course they'd understand that at one point each one of us has to leave home to study, but while my brother still have a choice to stay at home then why go? It's too early for us to leave home. Even at my age, I feel so lost for being away from home for too long.

And third, he's my baby brother. He's the youngest one and it'll be so hard watching him leave and not being able to see him grow up at home. Although I may come home two months once, I iust want everyone to be in the house and not leave so that everytime I'm home they will always be there.

I hate changes. I really do. It's the one thing I fear because I don't know whether it will bring positive effect or bad ones. I don't want anything to change. I want my baby brothers to always be home whenever I'm back from college. 

I don't know anymore.


20131129

The same ol wound.

Nothing change today. I still miss you like I missed you yesterday and the day before, and the day before it, and the day before, should I go on? 

The thought of you wander inside my mind as if it don't want to leave. Sometimes I dreamed of you, and your voice almost felt real. The last time I dreamed of you I woke up with a cold, I woke up sick and I woke up feeling so much loathe inside of me. I hate you now, and I miss you the next. It keeps switching, my heart is tired of catching up. Please come back. Just please come back.

20131126



I don't think there's really a good way of removing people in your life. "Removing" is already a big disheartening word; so tell me is there any good way to remove people from your life? 

That's the thing though, there's no better way to do it BUT telling it to their face that you wanted to leave and why you wanted to would actually be better than having to just walk away from their world without even a bit of fucking explanation.

Because there are people out there, who finds it hard to wake up and trust others, to let others in, but they let you in. And it takes so much courage to do so. 

And there are people out there who look at you as rainbows, while for you, they're just toxic. So at least, at the fucking least, tell that person they are toxic, and you want them to be removed from your life.

Bcs at least there's some explanation there.


20131122

Crack your code.


I can't read you. Sometimes I feel like you love having me around but sometimes I feel like you can't even stand it. If I could peek through your mind and take a glimpse at your heart, I'd be sure to crack the code.

I want to know what you think of me, or how you see me. I want to know every bits of thoughts you have about me, is it a lot... Or there's none.

Because honestly I can't act like I don't freaking care about what you think or feel about me. You matter. Shit, you freaking matter.